after i shit and puke of a bad morning hangover, it's all coming back to me now. how everything felt so 2nd rate or worse with the bars here not getting your drinks right. hey i've earned the right to be obnoxious since it costs a fortune to drink like snazzy, so here's my bartender's litanny of diss:
1. they had a bottle labelled "martini", how on the earth do you bottle a martini drink?
2. people mispronouncing words and them skanks hating you for correcting them: it's "kyoo-rah-saw" not "kuh-rah-kaw" damn it.
3. Blue Hawaiian is a collins glass drink not a martini drink and most importantly... it doesn't have cream on it.
4. rum and coke is called a 'cuba libre' if you put lime garnish on the highball glass.
5. a zombie is always laced with bacardi 151.5 proof. if its not, it's gonna defeat the whole purpose of the drink - to make you a zombie by the end of the night.
6. rock salt is too big, iodized is too small and tastes too salty, kosher is just right...but please i dont want it inside but outside of the rim for my margarita.
7. why do you serve cordials alone?
8. my long island reeks of tanduay.
9. if you know long island ice tea, you should at least know 4 other popular variants...but no, not even 1.
10. there is no such thing as a philippine brand tequila...as it's only made in tequila region (
Jalisco and
Guanajuato), mexico...everywhere else, it's called a 'mezcal'.
11. nobody ever sells vermouth...no wonder they have bottled martinis.
12. no one "eyeballs" the liquor measurements, everyone uses that ounce measuring tin... like 5th graders.
13. no one uses a bottle spout.
14. many bars don't have cream drinks.
15. no one has ever made me a mojito.
16. no one 'shakes' with a tin and glass.
17. no one has ever made me a drink in less than a minute.
18. theres no cranberry juice anywhere.
19. the bartender, waitress and the manager debating for 10 minutes on how to charge me with the drink i suggested... my recipe and all.
20. the motherf..... puts 3 ice cubes on my blue mother fucker.
and lastly...
21. hearing people swear that red horse beer is the best tasting beer in the world. suck it b*tches, its not.
